Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a war. In fact, every day happens something that makes me feel like I'm on the battlefield. I feel like I'm that only one soldier who has to take care of the others who got injured and treat them, at the same time, the soldier who can't stop moving forward because there's no place to run aside from what's in the front, the horizon, the unknown, the uncertain place and future. It's hard. It's terrifying. I wake up, it's a bad dream.
There are days I feel like I'm running too fast on the battlefield we're in. I look around me, my friends got injured, most of them more injured than they think they are. I take my tools and try to help them, I try to take care of their injuries even if it's just a bit of help because they need to keep moving forward in order to try to live, in order to find other ways to give meaning to life. It's hard for me to see them in pain and despair because we're in the same terrible situation, therefore I try to suspend my feelings a bit just to make sure I can help them to stand up again. What's harder is to listen to their heavy words. Words of suffering. The suffering that comes from losing their usual life, their friends, their relatives, their dreams. Still, I try to be fine and help them to walk, to keep moving, to keep running through the worst battlefield we've lived in life. Where will I meet my fate?
Sometimes I run fast, other times I run slowly. There are times the days feel heavier than they already are... There are times the war can't allow me to see the sun... The only thing I can see is rain. There are times that the pain inside of me grows bigger and I fell down on my knees drowning in my own despair and feel like missing hope. These are the hardest moments because I can't help anyone, I feel like I'm failing with the ones I love and care, but then the hope comes again and reminds me that I have to take care of myself, I have to look inside and deal with my own pain, so, like this, I can stand again, be stronger and confront what's to come, it can be bad or good. I'm not sure. Where do we go? I don't know.
This bad dream... I feel like it won't end too soon. I'm still moving forward, though. I don't know where I'm going, I just know that I have to fight to keep living. Sometimes I feel too tired to be fighting... I guess I'm not the fighting kind... What is waiting for us on the horizon is uncertain, the future became more uncertain than it already was, so the only thing we can do now is value the companion of each other. We don't know when the worst will come, some want to know and keep asking: when will I meet my end?
The hope, old good memories, and the companion of my friends are the only things that help me to keep going on. And hope that those days will happen again somewhere in the future... Yes, I need to think about those days... And I'm thinking about those days...
See you at the next post!
